April 14, 2009 by Titanya

Greetings sweet friends,

I am sitting outside, in my backyard writing this to you. The sun is shining in the mountains of Big Bear and the lake is sparkly blue. This is my 3rd day home, and so far I am doing good, trying to take it easy, keep myself out of homolateral and do my homework from Mom for the blood clots. My Mom is experiencing post partum Tanya depression down in Mexico, but I check in with her a lot to calm her fears.
It is amazing how many myths came out of this one story for me. Of course, I went into the darkness toward death like Innana, whom I know very well. I actually do a one woman story of her journey. Then, there was Demeter and Persephone and the "ever more" bonding that my Mother and I did throughout this incredible story. And then, there is my own myth.
Now, many of you know that I have always wanted children...but you might not know for how long. All my life! When I was young, I took my family of dollies to the zoo, to the movies, and even saved them from snakes. I was born a mother. Dondi, my sister, on the other hand, played with trains, cars and cash registers. I have always known I would be a mother.
I have been trying to have a child for many years, but obstacles were placed in my way... bad relationship choices, a year of intense caretaking with my father, and a huge fibroid surgery with a long recuperation, I had to put it all on hold.
I never knew that fertility drugs were going to be bad for me! I trusted our female fertility doctor. I never knew the dangers...she never told us! I was only trying to get extra help because I was getting older. We realise now that she didn't monitor me with the fertility drugs. When it didn't work the first time, she "upped" the dosage, without monitoring me. We didn't even know I was supposed to get monitored. So, I got a very rare syndrome called Hyper- Ovulation Syndrome, caused by an overdose of hormone stimulants.
So, I want to put everone's mind at ease, because I am getting a lot of letters about adoption and just letting go of this dream I've had, forever. I understand your fears and how much you are conscerned and love me, but there is a bigger myth here. I will try to get pregnant again. I am not going to use fertility drugs or a clinic. I know now that I must balance out my own hormones, dissolve the blood clots and get off of coumadin. So, I will be taking this time in the next few months to do just that. Boy, am I getting an education on hormones! I have so much information for the Woman's class that I teach.
Back to my myth...I've always felt that I died many times in childbirth and I've known that one mission on earth was to heal this body from those past wounds of lifetimes. I feel that this "death journey" (in the past 9 weeks)that I've been on, has healed that feeling and that knowing, on so many different levels. I've always felt, I've always known that I will be pregnant, out of my own body. If I give up on that mission, then I know I will repeat it in the next lifetime. I know some of you are scared for me to try this again, but know, it will be natural. I can't give up on my hope. I can't give up on my faith. If I let go of this dream, this knowing...I will die.

I also feel that what I went through was unfair! I went to 5 hospitals in the course of 6 weeks. At 4 of them, my fertility doctor manipulated the situation to make it look like I didn't have the syndrome, and so the hospitals sent me home, until I almost died at the last one. I am so dismayed at the fertility clinic and the woman whom I trusted. Fertility clinics have no monitoring system; They basically can do whatever they want.
I do not want to feel like a victim in all of this.
We are searching for a good attorney now. The trouble is that they want permanent damage or death in order to make the case strong. Ha! We feel that fertility clinics are so much in the news right now with Octo-mom, that the time is now...please, if you know of someone in California, can you contact me. I do not want this happening to another woman!
Thank you...Love you all! Titanya