Greetings sweet friends,
I am sitting outside, in my backyard writing this to you. The sun is shining in the mountains of Big Bear and the lake is sparkly blue. This is my 3rd day home, and so far I am doing good, trying to take it easy, keep myself out of homolateral and do my homework from Mom for the blood clots. My Mom is experiencing post partum Tanya depression down in Mexico, but I check in with her a lot to calm her fears.
It is amazing how many myths came out of this one story for me. Of course, I went into the darkness toward death like Innana, whom I know very well. I actually do a one woman story of her journey. Then, there was Demeter and Persephone and the "ever more" bonding that my Mother and I did throughout this incredible story. And then, there is my own myth.
Now, many of you know that I have always wanted children...but you might not know for how long. All my life! When I was young, I took my family of dollies to the zoo, to the movies, and even saved them from snakes. I was born a mother. Dondi, my sister, on the other hand, played with trains, cars and cash registers. I have always known I would be a mother.
I have been trying to have a child for many years, but obstacles were placed in my way... bad relationship choices, a year of intense caretaking with my father, and a huge fibroid surgery with a long recuperation, I had to put it all on hold.
I never knew that fertility drugs were going to be bad for me! I trusted our female fertility doctor. I never knew the dangers...she never told us! I was only trying to get extra help because I was getting older. We realise now that she didn't monitor me with the fertility drugs. When it didn't work the first time, she "upped" the dosage, without monitoring me. We didn't even know I was supposed to get monitored. So, I got a very rare syndrome called Hyper- Ovulation Syndrome, caused by an overdose of hormone stimulants.
So, I want to put everone's mind at ease, because I am getting a lot of letters about adoption and just letting go of this dream I've had, forever. I understand your fears and how much you are conscerned and love me, but there is a bigger myth here. I will try to get pregnant again. I am not going to use fertility drugs or a clinic. I know now that I must balance out my own hormones, dissolve the blood clots and get off of coumadin. So, I will be taking this time in the next few months to do just that. Boy, am I getting an education on hormones! I have so much information for the Woman's class that I teach.
Back to my myth...I've always felt that I died many times in childbirth and I've known that one mission on earth was to heal this body from those past wounds of lifetimes. I feel that this "death journey" (in the past 9 weeks)that I've been on, has healed that feeling and that knowing, on so many different levels. I've always felt, I've always known that I will be pregnant, out of my own body. If I give up on that mission, then I know I will repeat it in the next lifetime. I know some of you are scared for me to try this again, but know, it will be natural. I can't give up on my hope. I can't give up on my faith. If I let go of this dream, this knowing...I will die.
I also feel that what I went through was unfair! I went to 5 hospitals in the course of 6 weeks. At 4 of them, my fertility doctor manipulated the situation to make it look like I didn't have the syndrome, and so the hospitals sent me home, until I almost died at the last one. I am so dismayed at the fertility clinic and the woman whom I trusted. Fertility clinics have no monitoring system; They basically can do whatever they want.
I do not want to feel like a victim in all of this.
We are searching for a good attorney now. The trouble is that they want permanent damage or death in order to make the case strong. Ha! We feel that fertility clinics are so much in the news right now with Octo-mom, that the time is now...please, if you know of someone in California, can you contact me. I do not want this happening to another woman!
Thank you...Love you all! Titanya
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
From Titanya: April 3, 2009
Hi you sweet wonderful friends, you!
I’m here at my Mom’s house in Baja, Mexico. It’s beautiful as the tide is out and the waves are crashing. The sun is shining today and it’s a wonderful feeling after many days of grey. Sandy’s here too and lucky me, they are both working on me!!!
Mom’s Energy Medicine is breaking up the blood clots throughout my body in a quicker way than the doctors told us that it would take. We could see them coming to the surface of my skin and we follow the energy as they move. I am walking better and breathing better too.
This experience touching death with all of it’s mystery and then drawing me, like a magnet, back to earthly things is a big story, which I can’t wait to talk about.
I will be writing about it on my new website…that is being created as I write.
It was incredible and slowly I understand why I had to go through this experience before birthing my child. I’ve waited and waited so long, so many obstacles have been put before me in this lifetime to only wait even longer. So many tears I shed.
I’ve always said that I knew I was clearing up many lifetimes in this one. I remember many lifetimes of dying in childbirth in order, in this lifetime, to bring this body back into fruition to birth a baby. It’s one reason why I know I cannot adopt. I know it will be (perhaps, perhaps not) a difficult pregnancy, but I must do it. I must unite the children who were mine and experience the pregnancy and the birth in order to heal this body and in order to not let my children repeat my own woundings.
You see…a lot has been coming up for me, as it always does.
Jeff has been sending me all the wonderful cards that so many of you have written.
I am slowly getting to my emails, where I found even more beautiful prayers and blessings. I will let you know when I get back to Big Bear, in case you’ve been wanting to send me flowers! Ha ha!
We are playing day by day by ear and letting my body tell me where to go. I don’t know when I will return to Big Bear, as the altitude still might be a problem. We have found awesome doctors down here in Mexico, if anything were to relapse. And I have my Mom and Sandy so no worries, now.
Love you all!
Titanya
I’m here at my Mom’s house in Baja, Mexico. It’s beautiful as the tide is out and the waves are crashing. The sun is shining today and it’s a wonderful feeling after many days of grey. Sandy’s here too and lucky me, they are both working on me!!!
Mom’s Energy Medicine is breaking up the blood clots throughout my body in a quicker way than the doctors told us that it would take. We could see them coming to the surface of my skin and we follow the energy as they move. I am walking better and breathing better too.
This experience touching death with all of it’s mystery and then drawing me, like a magnet, back to earthly things is a big story, which I can’t wait to talk about.
I will be writing about it on my new website…that is being created as I write.
It was incredible and slowly I understand why I had to go through this experience before birthing my child. I’ve waited and waited so long, so many obstacles have been put before me in this lifetime to only wait even longer. So many tears I shed.
I’ve always said that I knew I was clearing up many lifetimes in this one. I remember many lifetimes of dying in childbirth in order, in this lifetime, to bring this body back into fruition to birth a baby. It’s one reason why I know I cannot adopt. I know it will be (perhaps, perhaps not) a difficult pregnancy, but I must do it. I must unite the children who were mine and experience the pregnancy and the birth in order to heal this body and in order to not let my children repeat my own woundings.
You see…a lot has been coming up for me, as it always does.
Jeff has been sending me all the wonderful cards that so many of you have written.
I am slowly getting to my emails, where I found even more beautiful prayers and blessings. I will let you know when I get back to Big Bear, in case you’ve been wanting to send me flowers! Ha ha!
We are playing day by day by ear and letting my body tell me where to go. I don’t know when I will return to Big Bear, as the altitude still might be a problem. We have found awesome doctors down here in Mexico, if anything were to relapse. And I have my Mom and Sandy so no worries, now.
Love you all!
Titanya
From Titanya: March 26, 2009
Dear Beloved Friends,
I am out of the hospital... oh, happy day! It has been five long weeks.
I am not out of the clear, but with bed rest, Energy Medicine and all the beautiful blessings I have received from you, I think I will be back to my free spirit in no time.
I am touched by all the prayer groups that were formed and feel honored by the individuals who don't even know me who tuned into their own guides to bring me thoughts of hope, life and vitality.When one has close encounters with the other side, it can be quite scary, as well as thought provoking... and somehow, quite peaceful too. Once I experienced it I realized the close intimacy of life and death. It is an amazing experience. Really, if it is without the physical pain I had, I would want everyone to experience it. Now, to live each moment to its fullest and know that love is truly the greatest power of all, I realize even more how precious life is.I am still dismayed by my long journey with fertility treatments, and yet, I know I will be victorious as a mother to be. I do not know why this was part of my journey but I have survived and only time will tell.
A big "shout out" to Kim Wedman. She stayed by my side during a crisis week with my health, applying Energy Medicine during a week whem Mom couldn't be with me.Thank you also to the recent Hilton Head class who freely and supportively allowed my Mom to rush to my side in the nick of time. She never left my side.I am so humbled and thankful by the love of my family, especially Dondi and Jeff who were my hsospital advocates. Everyone needs someone to make sure doctors are doing their job correctly.
I am blessed by you, my dear community and through the power of prayer that pulled me through.
Thank you.
Love, Titanya
PS: Please do not send emails at this time. I have very little energy and I am not ready for computers. I am on my way to Mexico to live with Mom for a little while. And though I LOVE flowers, I can't take them at this time. The cards have been wonderful and they are best for now. Jeff is picking up all of my mail for me.
Send to:
Titanya Dahlin
1009 Tinkerbell Ave.
Big Bear City, CA 92314
I am out of the hospital... oh, happy day! It has been five long weeks.
I am not out of the clear, but with bed rest, Energy Medicine and all the beautiful blessings I have received from you, I think I will be back to my free spirit in no time.
I am touched by all the prayer groups that were formed and feel honored by the individuals who don't even know me who tuned into their own guides to bring me thoughts of hope, life and vitality.When one has close encounters with the other side, it can be quite scary, as well as thought provoking... and somehow, quite peaceful too. Once I experienced it I realized the close intimacy of life and death. It is an amazing experience. Really, if it is without the physical pain I had, I would want everyone to experience it. Now, to live each moment to its fullest and know that love is truly the greatest power of all, I realize even more how precious life is.I am still dismayed by my long journey with fertility treatments, and yet, I know I will be victorious as a mother to be. I do not know why this was part of my journey but I have survived and only time will tell.
A big "shout out" to Kim Wedman. She stayed by my side during a crisis week with my health, applying Energy Medicine during a week whem Mom couldn't be with me.Thank you also to the recent Hilton Head class who freely and supportively allowed my Mom to rush to my side in the nick of time. She never left my side.I am so humbled and thankful by the love of my family, especially Dondi and Jeff who were my hsospital advocates. Everyone needs someone to make sure doctors are doing their job correctly.
I am blessed by you, my dear community and through the power of prayer that pulled me through.
Thank you.
Love, Titanya
PS: Please do not send emails at this time. I have very little energy and I am not ready for computers. I am on my way to Mexico to live with Mom for a little while. And though I LOVE flowers, I can't take them at this time. The cards have been wonderful and they are best for now. Jeff is picking up all of my mail for me.
Send to:
Titanya Dahlin
1009 Tinkerbell Ave.
Big Bear City, CA 92314
Titanya Update: March 23, 2009
Written by David Feinstein.
The weekend was hopeful. Tanya appears stronger. The blood clots are dissolving. Problems that are more minor, though still of serious concern, such as the growth of cysts, dehydration, anemia, and compromised circulation, are coming into sharper focus. The insurance company is focusing on the improvements and pulling to send Tanya home; two doctors have told her to refuse to leave. Premature release from the other two hospitals nearly cost her her life.
She is no longer in an extreme care unit and is in fact in a unit where they can give extra attention to physical therapy so she can regain her ability to walk. They tried seeing how she did without external oxygen or the IV over the weekend. Both turned out to be necessary, so she is back on those.
We have 400 people signed up for three classes in the Eastern states beginning on Thursday. Donna of course is not going to be anywhere this week but with Tanya, so we have let the organizers know she will not be at the first two. The third one is the weekend after this one and we are not making a decision on that at this point. Meanwhile, assuming the organizers still want to hold the events if we can bring in a top teacher, which we can (and they are on alert), I will still go back east, leaving tomorrow as originally planned (I also have presentations that I was doing on my own). That is another sign that we are feeling hopeful.
As the crisis seems to be passing, we are grateful. Still not out of the woods, yet the woods are not nearly as dark, thick, or frightening right now.
Thank you for all your support.
Love,
David
The weekend was hopeful. Tanya appears stronger. The blood clots are dissolving. Problems that are more minor, though still of serious concern, such as the growth of cysts, dehydration, anemia, and compromised circulation, are coming into sharper focus. The insurance company is focusing on the improvements and pulling to send Tanya home; two doctors have told her to refuse to leave. Premature release from the other two hospitals nearly cost her her life.
She is no longer in an extreme care unit and is in fact in a unit where they can give extra attention to physical therapy so she can regain her ability to walk. They tried seeing how she did without external oxygen or the IV over the weekend. Both turned out to be necessary, so she is back on those.
We have 400 people signed up for three classes in the Eastern states beginning on Thursday. Donna of course is not going to be anywhere this week but with Tanya, so we have let the organizers know she will not be at the first two. The third one is the weekend after this one and we are not making a decision on that at this point. Meanwhile, assuming the organizers still want to hold the events if we can bring in a top teacher, which we can (and they are on alert), I will still go back east, leaving tomorrow as originally planned (I also have presentations that I was doing on my own). That is another sign that we are feeling hopeful.
As the crisis seems to be passing, we are grateful. Still not out of the woods, yet the woods are not nearly as dark, thick, or frightening right now.
Thank you for all your support.
Love,
David
Titanya Update March 20, 2009
"Tanya Report After a Very Tough Day"
Written by David Feinstein
Today feels like the calm after the storm. Yesterday a fourth blood clot passed through Tanya's heart. It felt like a heart attack and only Donna's constant administration of energy medicine was able to relieve the pain and pressure somewhat. But today Tanya is largely recovered from yesterday's trauma (two days ago she could make the breath measure go up to 750, yesterday barely 200, today back up to 500--just one measure of the state of her health, though all of this is while she is hooked up to oxygen). The emergency tests to find out what was going on in her heart revealed that the blood clots are apparently shrinking and that there is only one left in her chest area (there had been 3). The doctors feel that this means that the blood thinners are doing their job. We also learned today that the new diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension we were given yesterday can be an artifact of blood clots and should subside without further treatment. Also, the doctors who said she would be in the hospital for at least two to three more weeks just a few days ago are now saying just a few more days, though we pumped them enough to find out that the insurance company is involved in that shift of estimates. What was comforting was that we can do much at home that they can do at the hospital. What was not comforting was that we can't do the IV at home plus one of the reasons for keeping her in the hospital is in case there is a critical emergency and the insurance company does not consider that an adequate basis for hospitalization. The doctor's here are clearly mad at the insurance company for pressuring them to act against their best judgment. At the moment, Tanya is still here though it may turn into a daily debate between them and the insurance company. Of course we will still have options regardless of what the insurance company decides, but we are hoping they will support what the patient clearly needs.
Overall, while things had been looking better each day until yesterday (Thursday), and yesterday seemed like a giant setback, it may not have had the terrible implications we were afraid it had.
The sun is bright here in Palm Springs, and it is a good day. Again, thank you for your support from me, Donna, Tanya, Dondi, and Jeff!
Love,
David
Written by David Feinstein
Today feels like the calm after the storm. Yesterday a fourth blood clot passed through Tanya's heart. It felt like a heart attack and only Donna's constant administration of energy medicine was able to relieve the pain and pressure somewhat. But today Tanya is largely recovered from yesterday's trauma (two days ago she could make the breath measure go up to 750, yesterday barely 200, today back up to 500--just one measure of the state of her health, though all of this is while she is hooked up to oxygen). The emergency tests to find out what was going on in her heart revealed that the blood clots are apparently shrinking and that there is only one left in her chest area (there had been 3). The doctors feel that this means that the blood thinners are doing their job. We also learned today that the new diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension we were given yesterday can be an artifact of blood clots and should subside without further treatment. Also, the doctors who said she would be in the hospital for at least two to three more weeks just a few days ago are now saying just a few more days, though we pumped them enough to find out that the insurance company is involved in that shift of estimates. What was comforting was that we can do much at home that they can do at the hospital. What was not comforting was that we can't do the IV at home plus one of the reasons for keeping her in the hospital is in case there is a critical emergency and the insurance company does not consider that an adequate basis for hospitalization. The doctor's here are clearly mad at the insurance company for pressuring them to act against their best judgment. At the moment, Tanya is still here though it may turn into a daily debate between them and the insurance company. Of course we will still have options regardless of what the insurance company decides, but we are hoping they will support what the patient clearly needs.
Overall, while things had been looking better each day until yesterday (Thursday), and yesterday seemed like a giant setback, it may not have had the terrible implications we were afraid it had.
The sun is bright here in Palm Springs, and it is a good day. Again, thank you for your support from me, Donna, Tanya, Dondi, and Jeff!
Love,
David
Titanya in the Hospital
March 15, 2009
Written by David Feinstein.
As many of you know, Titanya has been terribly ill.
She had been having fertility treatments. The massive hormone infusion that is part of this procedure made an ovarian cyst that was the size of a pea grow to the size of a cantaloupe in just a few short weeks. It is bleeding internally and has caused life-threatening bloodclots, two in her lungs, one on her heart, and one going up her leg. This is the most immediate and serious of numerous complications to the treatment. She is considered too weak for surgery to remove the cyst.
We have been with her for much of three weeks. Donna was able to go to the Hilton Head five-day only because Kim Wedman came to Big Bear to be with Tanya and work on her almost continually. Energy medicine could remove many of the symptoms (lower her fever, reduce her pain, et cetera), but it was clear that other problems were keeping the benefits from lasting. Kim was heroic. Jeff has been a prince, as tireless and devoted as one could imagine, and then some, and I've never seen anyone be a better sister than the expandingly pregnant Dondi has been.
But a couple of days into the HH class, with temperatures spiking high and low and a patellate count of more than a million, Kim, Tanya, Jeff, and Dondi asked Donna to return, and Donna caught the first flight back. This was the first time in 31 years that Donna has left or not shown up for a workshop she was scheduled to teach (of perhaps nearly a thousand of them). The group, however, had already bonded deeply with Donna and was enormously gracious in allowing her to go, and then the teaching staff, led by Vicki, galvanized itself so that the class was an incredible experience for all involved. Not one participant complained and much gratitude was expressed for how much Donna gave while she was there and for the incredible staff she had backing her.
Tanya's condition and treatment have been complex and are not easy to summarize. In brief, one of Donna's biggest grievances about our culture was realized again and again in that the medical care her daughter received until three days ago had been dismal, with misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis as the cyst was growing. Tanya was airlifted to the place from which I am writing, her third admitting hospital (she has had 5 hospital visits and 3 urgent care visits in the last three weeks), three nights ago. She is now in good hands, the first hospital that seems to understand her disorder, "ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome" (the original hospital wanted to take out her appendix -- Donna and Jeff have been champs and Jeff convinced them otherwise -- and from that point on the hospitals kept changing the diagnosis, though we correctly told them the very first night what it was -- a fairly rare condition that many doctors have never seen -- finally at this hospital the medical team knows what they are dealing with and has had some experience with it). The doctor who examined Tanya shortly after she was airlifted here said, "How did she stay alive for three weeks???!!!!" His conclusion after speaking with us was that if it weren't for the big doses of energy medicine Tanya has been receiving from Kim, Jeff, Dondi, and Donna, plus Tanya having an incredibly strong heart, liver, and lungs, she would not have survived this far, and there were two times we knew we were precariously close to losing her. We all believe that one of those times, she would have died had Jeff not applied energy medicine on an emergency basis.
Tanya is not out of the woods, but we are feeling hopeful. The hospital we are at is in Palm Springs where she will be in Intensive Care for 7 to 10 more days if all goes well. As you can imagine, it is quite an emotional journey. The blood clots continue to pose a very serious threat, so we are praying and sending strong intentions for her body to dissolve them. Medical treatment is complicated by a number of related conditions as the hormone infusion threw her sensitive body into physiological bewilderment.We know how much good will and caring is out there, and we feel it. There is no real action for you to take unless you wish to pray or send healing energy. Tanya can't receive phone calls and the Intensive Care unit is not allowing visits beyond Donna, Dondi, Jeff, Roger, and me. Responding to the situation is a 24/7 job for all of us, and e-mails right now are a distraction.
If you wish to send a card, please send it to Tanya's home in Big Bear (1009 Tinkerbell Avenue, Big Bear City, CA 92314), and Jeff will pick them up regularly. She cannot receive flowers while in the ICU.
We will keep you posted as new developments emerge, though it is a matter now largely of waiting and hoping for the clots to dissolve, so for the next week or two, no news is good news. Katrina Hill (innersourcekatrina@yahoo.com) has offered to speak with anyone who wishes more exact or up-to-the-minute information or simply wants to talk.
Love,
David
P.S. Now a day after having written this, the doctors are saying the blood clots are not due to the bleeding cyst but are the direct effect of the massive hormone infusion so, thankfully, emergency surgery is off the table.
Written by David Feinstein.
As many of you know, Titanya has been terribly ill.
She had been having fertility treatments. The massive hormone infusion that is part of this procedure made an ovarian cyst that was the size of a pea grow to the size of a cantaloupe in just a few short weeks. It is bleeding internally and has caused life-threatening bloodclots, two in her lungs, one on her heart, and one going up her leg. This is the most immediate and serious of numerous complications to the treatment. She is considered too weak for surgery to remove the cyst.
We have been with her for much of three weeks. Donna was able to go to the Hilton Head five-day only because Kim Wedman came to Big Bear to be with Tanya and work on her almost continually. Energy medicine could remove many of the symptoms (lower her fever, reduce her pain, et cetera), but it was clear that other problems were keeping the benefits from lasting. Kim was heroic. Jeff has been a prince, as tireless and devoted as one could imagine, and then some, and I've never seen anyone be a better sister than the expandingly pregnant Dondi has been.
But a couple of days into the HH class, with temperatures spiking high and low and a patellate count of more than a million, Kim, Tanya, Jeff, and Dondi asked Donna to return, and Donna caught the first flight back. This was the first time in 31 years that Donna has left or not shown up for a workshop she was scheduled to teach (of perhaps nearly a thousand of them). The group, however, had already bonded deeply with Donna and was enormously gracious in allowing her to go, and then the teaching staff, led by Vicki, galvanized itself so that the class was an incredible experience for all involved. Not one participant complained and much gratitude was expressed for how much Donna gave while she was there and for the incredible staff she had backing her.
Tanya's condition and treatment have been complex and are not easy to summarize. In brief, one of Donna's biggest grievances about our culture was realized again and again in that the medical care her daughter received until three days ago had been dismal, with misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis as the cyst was growing. Tanya was airlifted to the place from which I am writing, her third admitting hospital (she has had 5 hospital visits and 3 urgent care visits in the last three weeks), three nights ago. She is now in good hands, the first hospital that seems to understand her disorder, "ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome" (the original hospital wanted to take out her appendix -- Donna and Jeff have been champs and Jeff convinced them otherwise -- and from that point on the hospitals kept changing the diagnosis, though we correctly told them the very first night what it was -- a fairly rare condition that many doctors have never seen -- finally at this hospital the medical team knows what they are dealing with and has had some experience with it). The doctor who examined Tanya shortly after she was airlifted here said, "How did she stay alive for three weeks???!!!!" His conclusion after speaking with us was that if it weren't for the big doses of energy medicine Tanya has been receiving from Kim, Jeff, Dondi, and Donna, plus Tanya having an incredibly strong heart, liver, and lungs, she would not have survived this far, and there were two times we knew we were precariously close to losing her. We all believe that one of those times, she would have died had Jeff not applied energy medicine on an emergency basis.
Tanya is not out of the woods, but we are feeling hopeful. The hospital we are at is in Palm Springs where she will be in Intensive Care for 7 to 10 more days if all goes well. As you can imagine, it is quite an emotional journey. The blood clots continue to pose a very serious threat, so we are praying and sending strong intentions for her body to dissolve them. Medical treatment is complicated by a number of related conditions as the hormone infusion threw her sensitive body into physiological bewilderment.We know how much good will and caring is out there, and we feel it. There is no real action for you to take unless you wish to pray or send healing energy. Tanya can't receive phone calls and the Intensive Care unit is not allowing visits beyond Donna, Dondi, Jeff, Roger, and me. Responding to the situation is a 24/7 job for all of us, and e-mails right now are a distraction.
If you wish to send a card, please send it to Tanya's home in Big Bear (1009 Tinkerbell Avenue, Big Bear City, CA 92314), and Jeff will pick them up regularly. She cannot receive flowers while in the ICU.
We will keep you posted as new developments emerge, though it is a matter now largely of waiting and hoping for the clots to dissolve, so for the next week or two, no news is good news. Katrina Hill (innersourcekatrina@yahoo.com) has offered to speak with anyone who wishes more exact or up-to-the-minute information or simply wants to talk.
Love,
David
P.S. Now a day after having written this, the doctors are saying the blood clots are not due to the bleeding cyst but are the direct effect of the massive hormone infusion so, thankfully, emergency surgery is off the table.
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